Tristan, I Am Your Mother

Hi there. Could you please do me a favor and re-read the post title in your best Darth Vader voice? Done? Great, thanks!

So yes, Tristan is my son, and I am his mother. To me, this means that there is a good chance that bits and pieces of my little old self will manifest in this awesome little boy. Actually, I think I already see a lot of myself in him, although for the most part I still see him as MrC’s mini me more than anything. And that is why I call him Little MrC. Makes sense?

This boy is growing up in the same environment I grew up in. He is even going to the same school I went to. He is able to enjoy a lot of the things that I once enjoyed as a little girl. He seems to react to a lot of situations the way that I do too, and that leads me to the assumption that he may someday have to cross the same bridges that I had to cross on my journey to adulthood.

I must make it clear that I had a wonderful childhood, but as it is with life, it wasn’t without hurdles and struggles. Some challenges which felt monumental back then seem quite ridiculous now, looking back, but of course that’s because I’ve already learned my lessons as far as those issues are concerned. I know that pretty soon I will be reliving those challenges, this time from the other side, as a parent, and I will have to watch my son struggle through them in order for him to learn his life lessons too.

Since I have 23 years on this little guy, I would like to think that I’m generally more seasoned and mature, and therefore qualified to dispense advice. This holds particularly true for matters that I experienced growing up that he may also someday face. Of course, I know that it won’t always be exactly the same, specially since he is a boy and I am obviously a girl. Nevertheless, I know that my words of wisdom may come in handy someday. That is, after all, part of my job description as is mom.

As a mom, I am also filled with much hope, many dreams and countless fears as far as this little boy is concerned. As he gets older, I see that slowly but surely his little protective baby cloud is fading away, and he is becoming more and more exposed to the reality of life. He now understands and sees more things, and in effect he feels more too. I actually shared about a bad morning that he and I had a few weeks ago on my latest post on World Moms Blog. That was a real eye-opening experience, as prior to that, I didn’t realize that he was already capable of having bad mornings and bad days the way that big people do. Yup, I saw a little bit more of the baby cloud fade away right there.

That scares me, and I know that it scares him too, even just a little bit. My first impulse is to try to shield him from what’s out there, try to somewhat mend that baby cloud and keep his innocence intact for as long as I still can. Then I realized that by doing that, I may actually be working backwards and not propelling us forward, that I might be messing with his maturing process, and robbing him of valuable lessons that he can and must learn on his own from here on out.

So, even if it’s hard to let go, I am trying to, little by little, as best I can. I am letting him see, hear, feel and experience the world as it really is, slowly but surely, little by little. It’s his turn to explore. I fear that all of these things will overwhelm him, that he will be negatively influenced, that he will get hurt because he doesn’t yet know what he’s about to come face to face with. But I also know that unless I allow him to take that first step, to venture out, then he may never know. I’ve lived a rather sheltered life and I know how being naive affected me negatively growing up. I wouldn’t be doing my job as his parent by knowing this, and yet allowing him to go through life naive as well.

So instead, I would like to try to channel my fears into hopes, because I am optimistic that way.  I hope that he will heed my advice when the time comes. I hope that life goes easy on him. I hope that he learns to find joy in every little thing. And of course, my biggest hope of all is that he grows up to be an amazing young man, someone that people will trust and love, someone who is sure of himself, someone who stands up for what he believes in and fights for what he is passionate about, someone who is capable of facing his fears, of overcoming obstacles, and of making a difference.

I hope that someday, when he is a man grown and I am old and moldy, he will tell me over brunch that he has successfully chased after his dreams, and that finally, all he ever wished for is right at the palm of his hands. From today until that day comes, I will continue to be Tristan’s mom, his number one fan and his fiercest critic, his most loyal adviser and his best-est friend. And when that brunch moment happens, on that day that I already foresee will be beautiful, I know that I will hold all of my fulfilled dreams in my hands as well.

 

 

PS This is my homework post for Write On Mom, a workshop for moms who blog which I attended last weekend. I’ll be posting about the session soon. Need to steal borrow photos first. Lol.